The Illegal Classified

We have a small duplex in a no-name town that has a vacancy.

Responses to my classified make me question my faith in humanity’s IQ. This is the one I want to write, but various laws prohibit me:

Seeking Tenant for nice 2 bedroom home.

Washer/dryer hook-up, wood floors, newly renovated, efficient heating system. Pets by audition only.  That means that your 18 yr old incontinent cat is not welcome, though he is “a nice kitty”.  He is INCONTINENT.  Cat piss may be one of the most vile, lingering miasmas known to humankind.  Why would I invite that into my investment???

And to the person who’s puppy doesn’t chew.  He is only 5 months old.  He hasn’t BEGUN to chew.  He will chew, about a week into your lease. I have sense about me, though, and therefore he will never have opportunity to make saw dust out of the molding.

Also, if your boyfriend answers my craigslist ad and gives me a number to call, which I do, please don’t call me back demanding “Who are you?  Why are you calling my boyfriend’s phone?”  before you have listened to the message. The answer is: “I was about to be your future landlady, but before so much as your first “hello” you pretty much accused me of sleeping with your 22 yr old heartthrob. I have to say the deal is off.”  Besides, everyone knows I used match.com for my current spouse.

Please stop the “fiance” farce.  I don’t care if you have legally wed, are about to wed, or are just shacked up.  You are talking to a  woman who chose to have a child out of wedlock.  Having a “fiance” may make you seem respectable to the Catholic Church and when your Aunt Rosie visits at Thanksgiving, but I could care less.  What makes you respectable in my eyes is CASH, or at least your ability to balance your check book so your rent doesn’t bounce.

And to the woman who called to rent for herself, her 3 grown children and her roommate–IT IS A 2-bedroom.  Where exactly will you put all that humanity? And for the record, your cat isn’t welcome, either.

Also, no smoking means no smoking in the house, on the deck, in the yard. I understand that I did not specify “in the basement”, but being that I mentioned every other square inch of the property, couldn’t you have interpreted the spirit of that request??? And I consider cigarette butts on the deck physical evidence.  Am I jumping to conclusions?  Perhaps.  I jumped to the same conclusions when you LIT UP during a phone conversation with me.  I’m just trigger happy that way.

Your “parole officer” or “case worker” is not a reference I feel good about.  And your mother, whom you list as your “former landlady” is not objective.  She may even be saying everything in her power to get you out of her house.  And telling me I should rent to you because your current landlord is evicting you is a red flag to me.  I know I sound judgmental, but there you have it.  Being “between jobs” doesn’t inspire my confidence, either.

So, if you are a nice human being–gay, straight, married, atheist, black, gourmet cook, into your tantric yoga practice, or even voting McCain–I am aloof to your color, creed, life choices or habits.  I just ask you pay bills, keep a job and have pets without health issues that would impact my hardwood floors.

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