An open letter to my toddler

Dear Son,

Tonight, when we took you to your sister’s open house at school, you seemed to have a nuanced, finely-tuned plan.

You began with a spirited refusal to submit to our unreasonable request that you wear pants in public.  After a snot-spewing tantrum and a wrestling match you generously let me think I had won, you filled your diaper, thus making me undress you.

Even at your age, you seem to have a well-developed sense of irony.

You were requesting to bring some item I could not decipher, as your speech is still undeveloped. You have a history of bringing random items, like the time you dragged a 6 ft shower hose everywhere for a month, or the 3 ft extension part of the shop vac, with which you beat your sisters for the better part of the summer.  I couldn’t even guess what you wanted to bring, but your fit was epic.

And I ask you this:

How did you know there was a red button that read “press in emergency only for hood exhaust” in that huge science/technology classroom?  Not only did you find it, but did so with dazzling efficiency.

Of all the fun things in the room, how did you single out the teacher’s match-stick model of a windmill?  I hadn’t even noticed it was there, until you tried to attach an enormous metal clamp to it. Where did you find that clamp, by the way?

In French class, did you just intuitively sense where Monsieur What’s-his-name kept his 200 pencil-end erasers? I know people ignored you when you put them on the ends of your fingers and loudly announced these were “big booboos, KISS!”.  You surmised they would pay more attention if you pelted them at their heads, and you were right.  That man was very annoyed.

What animal were you pretending to be when you slithered up 3 staircases on your belly?  The 35 adults you were blocking from using the staircase wanted to know.

And why do you always become such a freak in wide open indoor spaces?  I understand the echo is good, but no one needed to hear that.

Another successful evening on the town.  If you keep this up, it is unlikely you will ever get a date.

Love,

Mom

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Tags: eraser, irony, open house, shop vac, shower hose, toddler management, toddlers

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